he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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