I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
