i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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