Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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