Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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