Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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