HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
