They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The best revenge is premature balding
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
