PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
