In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just gargled with NyQuil
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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