It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
