can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
