I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize