Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
