I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
