Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
