you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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