I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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