Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
