I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We're too hungover to prance.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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