it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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