Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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