i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
