I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
