new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
