Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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