I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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