I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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