Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
