Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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