So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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