her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We left the knife in your bed.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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