I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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