I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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