it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
