Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i will never coherently bang her
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
