my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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