we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
