i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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