I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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