why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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