i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We left the knife in your bed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize