I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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