Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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