I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think your dad took our porno
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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