No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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