My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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