I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
