i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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