I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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