I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
