i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
