I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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