Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
