it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Can you bring me the toilet please
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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