how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
