I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
