Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
