Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
