That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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