Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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