U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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