I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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