onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
