I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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